I am back...

....And ready for another vacation! Three weeks ago I was on a business trip to Mississippi. Nothing like Mississippi in the middle of June to keep your blood boiling. :) Mid 90's everyday. Luckily I was only there Sunday night thru Tuesday afternoon. The company I work for had manufacturing plants in Mississippi and I had to conduct training classes for about 10 people. Anyways the training went well, and I even got hooked up with a laptop to do my office work as well since I do not have a backup person to help me out. That was nice not having to go back to a weeks worth of work waiting for me.

My mom rode with me, which was nice. It took 13 hours of driving on Sunday to get to Mississippi, so that I could be at the plant first thing Monday Morning. This trip seem like an adventure for a working "potty". Apparently the one in our hotel did not work well, at least for my mom, I had to use a different one because the one was not working. Let me tell you it was a long 40 miles to the plant one morning, I was not to keen on a gas station when it was dark out in the morning still, and I was by myself at that time. We managed though, then Tuesday afternoon we were off for out Kentucky plant, which was an 8 hour drive, and I have never been there before. Nothing like trying to find a place in the dark with no directions on paper, just find a pizza place in the shape of a "hut" then I will find the hotel. Half hour later the red "hut" illuminated sign is spotted and all is well. We end up on the second floor, but can get a first floor room in the morning. Fine that will work. Except now this toilet doesn't flush at all. The chain came off of the handle, so I fix it and all is fine. After the morning training session, I went back to the hotel to switch to the downstairs room, this bathroom actually worked the entire two days we were there. It was a nice week, hot but nice. Nothing like getting to experience the hottest day of the summer so far in Kentucky were I was at. I SO miss winter... :)

After 2 days at work to catch up on everything else, the sprouts and I and the rest of my family headed to Seattle for a family vacation for a week. We stayed with some relatives there. I absolutely hate traveling, my vacation starts when I get to my destination and with my luggage if I am flying, considering I was flying with my sister whom I do not get along with very well, and her daughter. We were civil to each other and all went well. I had been up all night finishing packing and stuff. We had to leave the house by 4am to catch a 6:30am flight, that was fun with a 4 and 6yr as well, but that went better than expected.

The 4yr watch us all check in our luggage, we all had one piece we were checking and one carry on. Then it was the 4yrs turn to put the piece of luggage up to be tagged, the tears started flowing when it was not returned back to carry onto the plane. We had to change planes and the tears started flowing again because we did not have our luggage with us again. When we arrived in Seattle all I could think of was that piece better be here or I will never hear the end of it for awhile. All pieces arrived and we were officially on vacation at 10:30 PST by now I am dragging, and can really use a nap. Luckily nothing was planned for the day, since my other sister was coming in later in the afternoon, so I napped and the kids played. My sister finally arrived, minus the piece of luggage that her and her spouses clothes in it. She did pack a couple of outfits for them in the carry on, but she is 7 months pregnant not like she wants to go out and buy clothes for a week. The luggage finally arrived two days later, after she went back to the airport the next night and chatted with a guy who I think did not want to see the hormones come out in full force. He made it his mission to find it and did so in about two hours after she had been on the phone all day with people that were not even in Seattle telling her they still have not located it. All worked out finally.

We had a great time, we toured Boeing, and spent one day on one of the islands in the sound, watched the tide while we were there and the kids search for sea shells and had a blast. Went down town and shopped at Pike Place Market, watched them throw fish. My Twin sister and her husband and I took our kids and went to the aquarium for the rest of the day and they had a blast. The kids loved the touching pond, they got to touch different star fish and coral and lots of other stuff as well.

My twin sister and I bored a plane to head to Reno to bowl. That was a hard goodbye for everyone but we would be back late the next day. My mom was giving me instructions on how I should not be separated from my pregnant sister while in Reno. I told her that there may be a chance that she could be at one end of the bowling alley and me at the other end to bowl and there would not be anything I could do about it. I thought that was funny but she did not think it was. We both had a nice two days in Reno, but could not wait to get back to Seattle. We both bowled well in the team event, and I did well in the doubles and singles event, she struggled through doubles and singles, but we had fun. The flight back I could have done with out, but finally it landed and life was good again. :)

Grandma and Granpa took the kids to the zoo and the childrens museum while we were gone. They did not get that much time at the zoo, because my other sister, the one I do not get along with, HAD to send some stuff off by email that was not going to take her long, after about 3 hours she was done, and she wanted to go to the zoo so they had to wait for her so the kids only got about an hour and a half there before it closed. My twin sister and I along with her husband took the kids back to the zoo after we got back from Reno and saw all the stuff they missed, they had a great time, and it was a very nice day, not hot at all.

The kids watched the fireworks, and we left early that morning again for the airport. All traveled well going home. I thought it was going to be an interesting trip because my sister was in a mood and since I usually am in a mood traveling, I thought for sure we would be having words before we made it home, but we didn't.

Unbelievable......

Well the last few days have been interesting. The sprouts had their Vacation Bible School(VBS) program last night. I did not think they were going to be able to go because they were suppose to be with their dad this weekend and all next week camping for their vacation here locally, and he is not that big on having to change his plans. I called him Wed. to let him know that the program was going to be Friday night, he was not thrilled, he said he would talk to the sprouts about it. All I did was ask the sprouts if they wanted to go to the program and they said yes, because if you go you get a prize. I then said well if your dad cannot take you I can get you there. So, I get a call on Thursday night and the first thing he says is, so you can take them tomorrow night, I said "Yes". Then he said are you going to bring them to the campground when you are done. I said "No" I did not want to drive all that way out there to drop them off, we can meet somewhere. He finally agreed to meet, was not thrilled on it though.

I pick the sprouts up from daycare and we head to my parents for a quick bite before the program then off to VBS we go. The sprouts fell asleep in the car on the way to my parents so now the 6 and 4yr are in a great mood, NOT. The 4yr is a little clingy to mom, so mom gets to parade in with the 3 and 4yrs and sit up front with them. They all get up on stage and say their verse and sing their song, of which by now I did not have to go up with them. Then they get their own little prize that is different from the rest of the kids, because the 3 and 4yrs did not earn points for the week like the rest of the kids. Out comes this basket full of stuff Teddy Bears in all different colors, the shaggy kind that are real soft. My lovely sprout who is the tallest of all the kids up there stands and says "I do not want a Bear" HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM. The sprout wanting to go "shopping" wanted to pick from the other prizes that were laying around up front for the rest of the kids. We managed our way back to sit with grandma and grandpa, the whole time rejecting this bear and saying I do not want a bear. Well, by the time it was almost over we did not want anyone touching out bear, and we were loving it. Then the angel left for some reason and we though it would be fun to walk on the pews and sit on the back of them out of moms reach and make annoying sounds out loud. HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM. We finally went out and had a discussion and decided that the cookies and punch that were being prepared and setup were going to be worth being good.

They got their cookies and punch, and then got to pour water on the VBS leader and the pastor, and off we went to meet their dad.

This morning they had their last ballgame of the summer, and good thing is was a tad bit warm this morning. The 4yr was in a mood, but did pretty well. The 6yr did great also. They got trophies, and a medal afterwards for participating. They were so excited. The concession stand was not open for a team pop afterwards so someone went and got water for the team before the game started so the kids would have something to drink afterwards. Well, the sprouts had water with them before the game started and did not want a new water, their dad was getting mad that they did not take water because he chipped in money for it. Then after words, they(she/wife) was telling him that they needed to sort out everything because the ball stuff they bought and the stuff I bought were mixed up. They bought the 4yr a bat and helmet and bag and glove this year, I bought the 6yr her stuff last year. The bat they bought the 4yr was to heavy, but just right for the 6yr, and the 4yr could swing the lighter bat that the 6yr had last year. Life is good, but apparently possession is 9 tenths of the law. He brought "my stuff" over to the car and said that he is keeping on of the mitts because they might want to play catch, I asked if I could have it later this summer when I them and he got into this I bought you bought thing, and really did not want me to have it. Then he said it doesn't matter it is the girls stuff, and I pointed out that he is the one that started splitting up the stuff right after the game, it was not my idea. He just put his hands up and said wait a minute, I was done, I had nothing to say anyways. When only one person hears blah blah blah what is the point. When we get ready to play ball this summer and the girls need stuff to so that at my house I will just go get them more stuff and keep it here. It is just another expense.

It just made me mad about the whole thing. The sprouts each have their own stuff one at one place and one at the other place, what is the problem? I don't even make a fuss about the trophies or medals, he paid for them to play ball, and he keeps the trophies and medals at his place, and I have never said a word about it. The sprouts some times wish they could have them in their room here, but I just tell them that they have to ask their dad for that.

Well, this is long enough and I need to get ready to head out in the morning for my business trip. Hope the weather is cooler in Mississippi. Good Luck with that.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO ALL THE DAD'S!

On Hiatus.....Or Work....

I am almost ready for my Mississippi trip next week. A business trip of which I will be doing some training for my company plants there. Then after a couple of days in Mississippi I will be off to Kentucky to train the plant there as well. I cannot think of a more exciting trip to be on. Wait, I think I can. That would be my vacation the following week to the West.....I CANNOT WAIT FOR THAT. Not looking forward to flying with the sprouts who are 4 and 6, mostly because I am not that great of a traveler. Dramamine is my friend, except I need to be alert because of the sprouts. Luckily, my sister and her 12yr is traveling with me. It will be a family vacation once we all finally arrive at the destination. That will entail 3 different planes for us to all get there. So, I may not be posting for awhile.

I have been working a lot of overtime lately trying to get ready for the training class, and finishing up some data entry that hadn't been done for about 2 years as well. I am finally at a point now where I actually care about work and stuff in my life. For two years I barely got what I needed to get done at work, and that is all they got out of me. I use to have it done right after they handed it me. For awhile I got it done right after they called me looking for it. I had about 7 piles of papers on two desks about 10" - 12" high to be entered into a database or two and filed. I now can say that I have 2 piles left maybe 1" high. All in a months time.

The sprouts have been great lately, which is a major accomplishment for them lately. We finally got to see "Over the Hedge" this weekend, cute movie. We have been playing basketball lately and the youngest loves to blow bubbles and put puzzles together, so that has been fun as well. Their final ball game is this Saturday, and I am not looking forward to seeing it. Only because it is in a small town home of most of the relatives of the "out-laws" (his relatives). The town is known for his last name pretty much. I will still be there, with my smiling face, and hope for the best.

My twin sister has sent me onto an excursion to find a left hand mitt for her almost 4yr sprout, not an easy thing to locate. She lives in a bigger town than me, and made about 20 calls with no luck. I stopped at 2 places and the second place had three of them. Go Figure.

Well it is time to run a few errands before heading back to work to wrap things up for the exciting trip next week.

Have a great 4th of July, if I do not talk to you before then.

An Evening with Dad

Yesterday I asked my dad to come down and help me out with some yard work. I really just needed him to bring down his truck so I could get a pallet of top soil again. Since mom left in the morning to head to the family place with her mom and others, I knew dad would be down. I got the yard mowed and my car washed just before he arrived at my house. I was finishing up some stuff and he starts in on trying to take off an old cell phone antenna from my car window. He got it off, he was not about to quit until he did get it. We headed out in the truck, actually a full size work van that is currently empty except for the two front seats. He is working on turning it into his work van. I am taking advantage of the cargo area while I can. We finally get the pallet loaded from the local store. Had to wait for a fork truck driver who was actually working to help us out. We then proceeded back to the house to unload the 60 40 pound bags. I told him half way through that unloading these bags reminded me of loading up the trucks with fertilizer and seed bags to plant the fields every year when I was younger. He said you remember that. How can I forget, I practically cut off the end of my finger opening the bags up one year. He mad his rounds with the planter and I was not on the truck when he got back. All he had to do was follow the trail I had left from the truck to the house. Anyways, after finally getting them stacked and staying upright, we headed out to dinner. I don't think ha and I have ever had dinner out together, usually I have the sprouts with me when he comes to help me out with something or mom is with him. We had a nice time. Split some appetizers and chatted about what was on the tv and other current events going on.

Can I have fries with that?

Tis the season for new employees, since school is out. Some of them are pretty cool about it all and usually I am ok with it as well. Except this weekend my mom and I took the sprouts out for lunch after their tough game of ragball (little kids baseball with a soft cover ball, and no score kept, everyone gets to bat and run all the bases). We all order the newbie read back the order to me life is good. mom and the kids fine a table and I wait for the food. I have to tell them exactly what was ordered again because for some reason, it only prints our like the first half of everyone's order. Everyone being in my party, that is. There must be a magic button on the computer to get that to happen. Having worked in retail before, training is the key. It just seems now days, that know one has the time to train them properly, they just need a body to fill that position and sooner or later they will get them the training they really need, except the summer is usually over by then.

An Interesting Meeting!

The former spouse and myself had an apt. With the sprouts venting specialist, at her request. I told her to set up the time when he could be there. I was not going to set it up, that never works anymore. We discussed some of the issues the sprouts are having, he blamed the fowl language from the 4yr on me and daycare. Daycare maybe, but it is used in practically every sentenced that comes from him, but I just let it go. Was nice to have a third party run the show that had no ties to us. She just wanted to make sure that both households pretty much use the same discipline techniques as stuff like that. I was really and very nice meeting. I was not all that thrilled with having to have the time changed at the last minute to an hour later, but he did call me and ask if that would be ok. I told him I was not making that call he had to, if they could accommodate the new time, then I will be there.

After the meeting, I just had all this anger built up inside of me. I realized I was mad at him for not trying to make the marriage work. He never did anything that the counselors asked of him, etc. I realized that it was not about what he was going to loose in ending the marriage, it was what he was going to be gaining when the marriage was over. The list of gains is much greater than the loses, if the loses were really considered. You see he has gotten everything he has ever wanted in a year and a half after the divorce was final. So, it wasn't about me, it was about getting to be a farmer finally, and having the truck you always wanted, and the list goes on. This all clear to me when he called me to switch the appointment at the last minute. The excuse had to do with being a farmer, which his is third job, not his main job. I am not knocking farmers by the way, I grew up driving a tractor every summer, but it is different when you never set foot on a farm until 2 years ago. Anyways, finally realizing that it is truly not about you but other things is a big accomplishment I think.

Homework Complete?

I have been working on the forgiveness part of my life lately. Apparently I was suppose to be working on it as well, because everything I came across the last few days was about forgiveness in some way or another. My horoscope even had it in it one day. So, I tackled it, kind of. I wrote a letter to my younger sister for all the hurt she has caused me over the years. I tried to talk to her about all of it a few years ago and she ignored me, like I was not even in the room, so I really have not spoken that much to her since. Writing the letter was hard to do, I am an engineer for one not an English major....lol, and I really did not know what I wanted to say to her, but I started it and a page and a half later and a few more tears I completed it. I will probably mail it to her later this week, I meet with the vent specialist tonight and we will probably discuss it.

I know that discussing things face to face is better than putting it in writing and giving it to the other person, but if the other person is not willing to talk to you face to face they normally will read what you have to say in a letter form. Nobody really wins either way, but I glad I did write the letter, I felt a load lifted off of me when I was done with it. As much as it hurt to write about some stuff, I really did not have the anger in me when I was writing it, so I think that is a step towards progress.

As far as forgiveness for my former spouse, I think I have reached that point. I am not going to write a letter to him, that never works period. I just pray about it, and give him over to god to deal with him. I have seen him a couple of times recently at the sprouts functions for school and ballgames, and I really do not care what he does there, or who he is with. I just do my thing and be done with it. If they (wife and ex) have something they want to discuss with me and it is about the kids, I listen and give input were needed and move on my way.

Stainglass "Story Time"

This was done from a pattern I found online called "Story Time" from Creative Designs by Stephanie and Spectrum Glass. I changed some of the colors that were called out in the pattern, mostly because I could not get them in time to get the piece done on time. I added the clear glass around the girls to make it easier to hang as a panel. It is a 12" x 13" piece. The clear glass has a textured ripple in it. She is wearing a dark purple dress, and has tan colored hair. It was a challenging piece to do, I re-cut a couple of pieces because I was not happy with they way it was turning out. So needless to say I did not get it done when I wanted to get it done, but I did finish it this morning in time to give it to my daughters teacher.

Do you have something you want to tell me?

This weekend the sprouts and I along with my mom set out to do the new season change out of clothes for them. My favorite time, NOT! As I was getting the clothes for them to try on, I hear a wack and then tears started to flow from the youngest. I ask the oldest if she had hit her sister and she proceeds to tell me the whole story of which was not matching my moms who sat there and saw the whole thing, so she storms up to her room for a bit. We proceed with the trying on of clothes and sorting out the short shorts and mid drift shirts, and decide what gets handed down to the youngest for this summer. I hear the oldest "sneaking" downstairs, so I ask her if she has anything that she wants to say she says "No" she does not have anything to say, so I show her the red mark on the youngest back that she made and told her that she needs to go think about it some more. I then go and have a chat with her, and she just does not want to apologize to her younger sister. A great night is mounting I can tell. Finally, she comes down and stands in the middle of things and the youngest turns and with arms folded, looks and her and says, "Do you have something you want to tell me?" Now I am having a hard time keeping a straight face on that one, and her sister didn't really like that comment, but eventually they made up and were friends by the evenings end. Yeah! That was Saturday.

On Sunday, we all got up and ready for church. Usually my mom goes to church with us, but she was headed to my sisters to help out again this weekend on the basement as sprout #2 will be arriving there this summer. I was not to worried about not having her at church because the sprouts go to the gym for the childrens portion of church for the entire first service, and I had to run the computer for the first service, you know put the words to the songs up on the screen at the right time and the versus for the sermon and all of that. I have done that for a while now. During about the second song of the worship service, my youngest appear. Mind you the computer is in the front of the first pew, and the church can seat probably 500 people. So I tell her to go around and sit in the pew, then the second sprout appears, now my bloodpressure is rising because I know I am going to have to referee soon and keep up with the words to the next 4 songs. With the pastor and his wife behind me by the wall and I am near the center aisle, the youngest wants to lay down, fine, except NO she wants to lay on her sister. HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM! They slowly made in thru the offering song, and now the sermon comes and all they hear from me is, blah, blah, blah. Finally, I told the oldest to go back down to the gym, she gets up and walks towards the wall and back down that aisle, I glance up to see the youngest heading down center aisle, only to stop half way down. Now, the two are mirroring each other. I am really not happy now. The youngest cam back and I glanced back to see if the oldest came back as well and caught the eye of the pastors wife, she got up and walked the youngest downstairs where they stayed. I thanks the pastors wife, and she said no problem, she has two the same age as well, except boys. After the sermon, I went to copy sermons onto my thumb drive so that I can burn the CD's for that service later, and while I was doing that the sprouts made their way back upstairs and were impatient with me waiting, so they were walking back and forth on the pews. Why is it that kids always know where the big red button is and exactly what precise time to push on it....lol. When we got to the car they wanted to know if we were still going to the movies, "OH NO, We are going back to grandmas for a bit then home." And they were only disappointed for a moment no tears or anything. Lucky me!

What a weekend!

Where has the time gone?

WOW, May is half over with, how did that happen? School is almost over with for the year, and frankly I think I am more excited about that than the kids. I have done some much running around in dropping them off and picking them up that I need a break for a bit. Last night my kindergarteners school program to place. I would say maybe eighty students at most to part. They sang about 10 interactive songs for all you gathered to watch. It was fun to watch them all, some got into it and some didn't. One little girl in the front row was all decked out in her finest attire and just watch for some songs and participated in others, it was cute. One song was audience participation based, each student had to pick someone from their family to dance with them and then freeze every now and then when the music stopped. Luckily mine chose her dad who was there with all is Fire Crew Buddies. Yep, they were taking photos for incriminating circumstances later I am sure. I did get it all on video as well as I could.

Afterwards, the spouts and my parents and I went and got some ice cream then called it an evening. A fun evening at that.

Stay tune for a new stainglass pic to be posted hopefully by Monday.

What A Great Weekend!!

It was a big bowling weekend for me this weekend. On Saturday I went to the sprouts first ball game of the year. They did great and had a good time. It is fun watching the little ones play ball. After the ball game, I packed up the car and headed to Michigan City for the Indiana Womens State Bowling Tournament. When I got to the hotel, my team was next door grabbing a bite to eat and a few drinks, so I joined them to par take as well. We relaxed for a bit before heading to the bowling alley to bowl the doubles and singles event. I threw very well in both doubles and singles. I even won $50 on top of that. Made my day. There was no cell reception in the alley, which made some people mad. I always turn my ringer off on my phone anyways. I missed my oldest calling me, and it was to late for me to call back. After we were done we made our way back to the hotel which was 20 miles away for that alley, then off to the casino it was for some of us. At 1am we were in the car heading back to the hotel which was only 3 miles away, looking for food along the way. At Rally's crossed our path so there was dinner.

6AM come up quickly for some of us, as we had to be at the other bowling alley by 8am to bowl the team event. Thank god that alley was only a few miles away. We got our team picture taken and the national anthem done and ready to warm up for the team event. After throwing 6 games a few hours ago, I knew I did not want to stick my fingers in the ball, let alone lift it up. Sure enough my ring finger was protesting a bit, and I did not know I was throwing a fifty pound ball as well....lol.....at least that is what it felt like.....lol. After struggling a bit the first game, I managed to throw very good games for me at least. I went in with a 142 average and I threw a 158 average for the 9 games I threw this weekend. So, I am very pleased with that. I think I placed really well in singles and should get some money back. That will be nice. I have to wait until next weekend when the tournament ends. It has been going on for a few months now.

I was whipped when I got home Sunday afternoon. I tried to call the sprouts when I got done bowling. They were eating lunch and he would have them call me back when they were done. I was ok with that, I just wanted to let the oldest know I got her message, but it was late when I was able to call her Saturday night. I dropped a couple of girls off on my way home because their ride was going to the casino afterwards and they did not want to go, so they hitched a ride with me. After grabbing a bite to eat and filling the car back up with gas, I called it an evening. Around 7:30pm I called the sprouts again, because they had not called me back. Their dad said that he would have them call me right back on the house phone, because I called his cell phone and he does not always get great reception on his cell phone at his house. The sprouts did finally call me and we chatted for a bit. They wanted to know if I was coming to get them tonight and I told them no they were staying with their dads tonight I will get them tomorrow. They always stay at his house on Sunday night of his weekend unless he is working on Sundays, then I will get them. I found out the real reason that he had them call me on the house phone was because he was not there he was out hunting. He had to call home to have them call me. Anyways the kids and I had a nice chat. I finally called it an evening, around 8pm.

I was glad I just had to get myself around this morning for work, I did not even want to get up I was still whipped from the weekend, but off I went so I could post this entry....lol.

I get to be the "mean" parent!!

Upon picking up the sprouts from their dads on Sunday, making my way through the information that I needed to give him but had to give to his wife because he was at work, she finally goes through her list of things to tell me. One, the oldest fell and cut the palm of her hand and she went on to explain how they treated the "injury", like that was a concern for me, their dad works in the medical field sometimes. Two, they were not sure if the youngest really had a headache on Saturday or was just playing them. THEY GOT PLAYED AGAINST. Sprout 1 Dad 0. Three, apparently there was some aggressive behavior and attitude at daycare on Friday from the youngest sprout, which this is the first time I am hearing of it. They have tried to deal with it this weekend and curb it some. They make sprout go to room for the evening, which means nothing to sprout. Anyways, some of the attitude involves language, which she tried to tell me that she has told their dad that he needs to watch what he says or he is going to end up in the principles office someday. I just told her "Good Luck with that". Four, as she is putting two chocolate bars in the pocket of the suitcase, she is explaining where they came from. Apparently the sprouts helped their dad on Saturday deliver some stuff. The guy is was delivering to bought the sprouts the candy bars, but for some reason they could not eat them, ALL WEEKEND. Now, I get to be the mean parent and tell them NO they can not have them right now either because it is almost bedtime, they can have them tomorrow. I could not tell if she told me that they do not or do allow the kids to have candy there. If you are not going to let them eat the candy soon do not buy it for them, or let some one else buy it for them. Granted, the sprouts are not big candy eaters, they do get candy now and then, but they do not live on it. The youngest was not very pleased when I said NO you have to wait until tomorrow. Got it on Saturday, could not have it all day Sunday, now has to wait another day. Does not go ever well with them. My shoulders are big enough for that. They are use to me telling them NO now. Now I know why I get all the candy sent home with them, which usually ends up getting tossed anyways.

Homework Assignment!?!

Friday night I had an appointment with my Venting Specialist (Counselor). She gave me homework to do, which I am not that keen on this assignment. She knows I will most likely do the assignment, which sucks from my end. :) She is usually right all the time, which I hate as well. She gets a kick out of it though. :)

The homework I have to do is on Forgiveness. You see I still have not really forgiven my former spouse for all of the infidelity, lies, and pain he has done to me over the 13yrs of marriage. It has been 2yrs since I filed for a divorce and 1 1/2yrs since it has been final, and I rather just remain angry about things, than to let them go and move on. WHY? (I hate that as a follow up question!!!! :) ) I have no idea why I keep the anger. Is it because I think he will get his way again like he always did? Is it because I am still holding out for an apology for all the hurt that I never did get? And if I did get one now, I would not believe that it has sincerity with it anyways.

Why is forgiving so hard to do? I think it is kind of like giving in, either way I lose. I know that is not what it is meant for. I have to be ok with forgiving him, and convincing myself that what he did was not ok, but it is ok for me to release to him from all the stuff that he did to me, i.e. the lies, hurt, and the adultery. Yeah right, I am going to get right on that.

In all reality, I will be working on it. It is about time to move a step up on the recovery ladder. To bad I have a slight fear of heights.....lol.

I think I got a Cavity!!!

This weekend I got alot done around the house. The sprouts were with their dad this weekend, first time since the first of the month. Saturday morning, I got up early and ran a few errands before going to go watch the youngest at ball practice. The oldest had "spring training" for summer ball at the school. I was going to watch practice because I thought that the coach would have the schedules to hand out, and I wanted to make sure that I got one. There is still a trust issue with former spouse and myself, in him getting me information when he gets it. Anyways, when I was running a few errands, he called me, but I missed the call so I called back and spoke to his wife, who is one of the reasons for the divorce. She told me that the "spring training" was in the morning not afternoon so sprout would not be at team practice, which I already knew that, and youngest was complaining of headache so wife was not going to take her to practice. My blood pressure rose a bit, as youngest is playing them with the headache. Score: Youngest 1 Dad 0. The wife tells me that they wanted to let me know that so I would not have to drive all that way to the practice. I call the coach of the team to see if he has schedules to hand out to today, he says he does, so I go anyways. He did not know the sprouts would not be there, of course not, that would mean their dad would have to think of someone other than himself in that case. (venting done there) I pick up the schedules and return back home. I did alot of work outside around the house. I am in the middle of repairing the yard, that has been in need of attention for years, slowly but surely it is coming along. I started to dismantle the 6 foot satellite dish that has been a lawn ornament for years, and I am tired of mowing around it, and hitting my head on it. A friend came over to help me lower it to the ground, where I could finish taking it apart. Now I just need to get my dad down to cut the pole off since it was cemented in then covered with dirt. I called the sprouts later in the afternoon. I could only talk to the oldest because the youngest was sleeping. She had a great time at her "sprint training". I told former spouse that the youngest played them this morning with the headache, he really did not have anything to say about it. On Sunday, I had my final bowling night for one league, then I had to go pick up the sprouts and bring them home. Normally they spend Sunday night of their dads weekend with him, but he had to work today, so when he works on Sundays I pick them up. This my favorite thing to do, pick up the sprouts when it is just his wife there. I would rather have a root canal done than interact with her, but I put on my fake smile and was polite about things. They never have the sprouts ready for me, even if I do call ahead of time, so I have to wait for them to get everything around. I had some stuff to give the her, since he was not there anyways, which is really a mute point, because he just hands it over to her anyways. I gave her the ball shirts and hats for them to use this weekend, since they will have the sprouts again, and their first game is Saturday. I gave her my money for the ball pictures which are going to be taken this weekend as well and I will be out of town this weekend. I gave her the receipt for the "spring training" that came home from school and did not make the suitcase this weekend. She told me about a cut on the oldest hand, and that the youngest was not very good at daycare on Friday, and wanted to know if the headache was real or not on saturday. I just smiled and answered all the questions politely and left. When I got in the car, I think I felt a cavity being formed from being to sugary sweet. I will admit that is really not me. Don't get me wrong, inside I am a very nice person and will bend over backwards for most anyone. I really do not like sugar coating things. I am slowly trying to change that as well, but it is hard to teach old dogs new tricks. I have intimidated people all my life, at least that is the way I come across to some people before I even have seen a word to them, I have no idea why that is, and I do not do that intentionally. I was not raised to be a mean or intimidating person. But I just hate sugar coating, (sucking up) to people that I think do not deserve it either.

Stainglass Cross

These I designed myself. I bought the beveled crosses that are in the center and then drew the pattern for the outside border. I made these for the other two people that were in my DivorceCare Class with me. I had no idea what colors they liked and was going to do a very light pink and clear glass when I came across the clear glass with a rainbow tint to it. It was perfect for what I wanted to accomplish with the pieces. Both pieces are the same with the exception of one having an additional lead border add to it, which makes it look bigger and heavier. Truthfully I ran out of time and did not put the additional border on the other one. They both turned out really well I think. The center cross measures 4" x 6 7/8" to give you an idea of the size of them.

Update/Difference from 2yrs ago

Yes, I am still around!!! :) I have survived a long spring break week. The kids and I went to Cabelas on Monday of Spring Break, it is and outfitters kind of store. They have live fish in streams and ponds that run through out the store. The kids got to help feed the fish. They also have lots of stuffed game through out the store as well. We stopped on the way home to visit the Easter bunny then on to grandmas house for the rest of the evening. I did not have any vacation to use per se so I had to go into work until 1 am while grandma watched the kids. I went back to spend the remaining evening/morning and grandmas when I was done working. LONG DAY! I went back to work my normal 8-5 hours on Tuesday. The kids went to their dads Tuesday night for his week night, I went to bowling at 6 then back to work until 1 again. On Wednesday I was back to work at 8 and worked to around 9pm, while my mom picked up the kids for me so I could work over again. I headed back to moms for the evening after work. On Thursday we all went to the Zoo and had a great time. The weather was beautiful, not a big crowd, the kids loved it. I had a divorce class later that evening, so the kids stayed with my mom while I was at class, and we spent the night there again. The next morning we got up and headed back to town for me to work normal hours again on Friday. It is a half hour drive one way to my moms house. A long spring break but a nice spring break for the kids. The kids father was leaving on vacation out of town on that Friday, for 2 weeks. I had to call him to get some information on some of the kids stuff that he signed them up for and I have to take them to. He apparently called the kids at daycare on his way out of town, on Friday. I am going on week 2 right now of having the kids without their father around. So far, they are doing pretty well with it. I was not sure how they would do. It has been stressful at times and trying to finish up my commitments this month has been a challenge, but has gone pretty well. I have a great daycare person, and she has helped me out quite a bit along with my parents. As far and the 2 years goes. It has almost been 2 years ago that I filed for a divorce. Nope I do not have any regrets about it now either. I have finally started to get back on track on alot of things. My office at work turned into a diaster area for those years, and that really annoyed me. I hated the clutter but just did not have what it took to fix it either. This year a customer came to visit, and that forced me to clean up a bit. I had stacks and stacks of papers to be entered into a database and filed. I have wittled that down by half, and yep I filed papers from 2 years ago. I am working now on the other half of the papers. Realistically it will take about 2 weeks to get done, but I will get it done now. I have had a couple of people say I seem more relaxed now and back to my old self. Doubt it is my exact old self, but I seem not to care about alot of little things anymore. I am better at getting to the stuff that really matters and letting the rest go.

What A Great Day It Was!!

Yesterday, was one of the best days I have had in a very long time! I got up early and was doing some work on the computer. I stumbled into my finances finally and realized that there was more money added to the account than usual from work. I ask the money people at work what is up with that, and was handed a note saying that some office people received an increased. Yeah! I was one of those people. Let me tell you I have been contemplating looking else where, it has been a struggle for me to stay here, I have not seen an increase since the towers came down on 9/11. The only reason I have stayed is because I have the flexibility to leave and take and pick up the kids for school and stuff like that. I have been working on stainglass projects to sell to make more money. So the increase is an answered prayer. The other great thing that happened was the youngest sprout had an appointment with the ear doctor to follow up on the infection she had a few weeks ago and to discuss removing the tubes that have been in there for 2 1/2 years. She has been ready to have them taken out. When she went into the room she told the nurse that she was getting them taken out today. Her ears were fine, so we discussed the options. 1. He try to pull them out there in the office. 2. We travel 40 miles to the big city and have it done at the hospital where he puts her out to pull them out. I was leaning for #1. We discuss it with the child who thinks she is ready. I had prepped her on the pain issue of it, of which the doctor said that she may not liked him ever again if he did it in the office. He was pretty sure he could grab the one but was not sure on the other. We all decided to try to have it done. He did what he thought was the hard one first, she gave a slight flinch, but no problems. She turned to the other side, nurse holding head of course, and he realizes that it is wax that he thought was going to be the easy part to grab, but he got ahold of it and out it came, with a bigger flinch from the 4yr. She really did not like the last one, I got the look of that hurt, but it is over, but it still hurt. She walked over to me and crawled on to my lap and snuggled right in. She did produce one tear, but survived it very well. She was all smiles when we left, they took her picture, and she got to keep the tubes. I was glad that he could do it in the office, a lot cheaper for me than the hospital visit would have been.

Another Week Gone By...

Another week has gone by, and a quarter of the year has almost passed us as well. Time sure does fly. I am glad to have the girls this weekend. I got a lot accomplished the last two weekends without them, but it is time to get back on schedule. Lots of things planned for this weekend and lots of traveling, but hopefully by Sunday night everyone will have had fun.

The girls have spring fever already, they are ready to be able to play outside all the time. They already have walks and bike rides planned. Of course it has been lightly snowing today. I am not really a spring person, but am looking forward to being outside with them as well.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!!!

A Tough Decision!

In trying to square away the summer schedule between the girls father and myself, via email. I have decided to let his wife take care of the girls while he is at work. He works a rotating 24 hr shift for his main job. He owns his own business as well, when he feels like working that it is all his choice to do so there. I do not have a problem with her watching the girls, it is just a personal issue I have with her, and trying to get over it, is not something that is going to happen overnight right now. She being one of the reasons that I filed for a divorce, and that is all I am going to say! The decision was a tough one for me, but I have been contemplating it for awhile and praying about it as well, and I am confident it is the right decision right now. I will still get to see the girls one day a week and everyother weekend, and I will call them as well. I can even stop by daycare to see them at lunch if things are not going well with them. They are not to keen on the idea of not seeing mom all the time, but we have slowly been working on that. They still have their doubts but they will be fine, I think. Time will tell. There are still some more details that need to be finalized, but that I think is ready to go.

Stainglass Sunflower Lamp

This was my weekend creation! The glass part of the lamp is 8.5" x 11". This was my gift to the youth pastor and his wife for pastor appreciation month back in October. They finally decided on what they wanted.

I had the girls for the most part of the last three weeks, with their dad only having them one night each week, we switched weekends in there so that I could take the girls to a church function and he could have them on his birthday this past weekend. As much as I hate being without them, I was ready for a break. All my buttons had been broken by the time Thursday rolled around. I had decided last weekend that I was going to head to Hobby Lobby this past weekend to get some glass. One because they had it on sale at half off, can't pass that up, and two because I need to start to make more projects to sell for a little extra money in my pocket. Of course you have to spend money to make money.

I picked up the glass for this project, and some other colors that I did not have. I really did not intend to make this project this weekend, but I was on a roll so I jumped in. It was 10:30pm when I started it, and 5:00 am when I finished it. I took a few breaks in there, to change the laundry and the sermon on the computer. I was converting the church sermons so that they could be put online as well. Multitasking at it finest....lol. Those breaks however were not more than 10 minutes at a time, but I am glad I got it done. I grabbed a couple hours of sleep then was out the door by 8:30am Sunday morning for church with gift in hand.

They loved it!! I showed the other 2 pastors wives the project as well. One of them rode with me to look at glass and she helped me pick out the colors for this one. They were all amazed that it was done. Keeps me busy, and I enjoy doing it!

What a crappy day!

I started out the day pretty well. Got up and around this morning, went and picked up the sprout from daycare and dropped her off at school. She did not seem in a very cheery mood, I brushed it off as being with her dad last night and having to be up earlier than usual this morning. Off to work I go. The morning goes by quickly and I actually get a lot accomplished. Off to pick up the sprout from school. I go through the bookbag to see what went on for the day because I will not see them until Monday morning. I discover that there is no new reading book in there, so we go chat with the teacher and get a book to review because apparently there has been some problems with a couple of words. I am ok with that, the sprout has issues. Her issues are her mood more than anything, and I suspect lack of sleep as well to contribute to that. Not a battle worth getting into right now. As, I drop her back off at daycare I chat with the youngest sprout, who has discovered me there and wants to know if I am picking them up today. I have to tell them no it is dads weekend. She throws a little tantrum but gets over it and we chat a bit longer. I ask if her ear drops got sent today, because she had a really bad ear infection. The daycare lady says no she did not get them today. Now I have to decide to choose this battle or not. A dad with a somewhat medical background as part of his full time job, you would think medicine would be of an importance. I do not think I should have to explain to him how often to give the medicine when it is on the medicine itself. So I call his work to chat with him, my luck he is out for a bit. I decide to send an email to him, knowing that it will not get answered either, I am still waiting on answers I sent him days ago. He finally calls me and we talk about the medicine, I pretty much got the standard line of BS for his lack of being a father in my opinion, and we go our separate ways. Of course he had to go into lots of details on stuff I do not care about as opposed to what I really wanted to know. Like did you know she needed it three times a day. Were you running late again this morning because you had the girls and they were not cooperating with you like normal again, so that made you forget the medicine. No I get what his wife is going to do with the girls tonight and their plans for the weekend, which is nothing to write home about, but apparently I am suppose to be impressed by it. That didn't happen. The more the weekend gets here the more I look forward to it. Dealing with his BS all the time just gets draining. I am getting better at just letting it go, but it still is draining to do that.

Those Darn Teachers!!!

My 6yr is learning to read in Kindergarten and she loves it when she is in a good mood. Once in awhile she gets her pants in a bunch and has lots of excuses as to why she cannot read the assignment. I picked her up from school and asked her if she got a new book today. When she reads a book completely and correctly she gets to move on to a new book, and each book focus on a new word. Well her response was "NO, I didn't practice enough" which means she missed a word. So, we were discussing it and the importance of reading and everything. I get this response "All the teacher does is fill my head with words" Now, I am at a lost for words for that response.

Let the games begin!!!

My sprouts are 4yr and 6yr. The 4yr is the type that everything seems to come natural to her, and her mind is going a mile a minute, there is nothing that escapes her thought process. Example: they were playing and dressing up some what like princesses queens, some kind or royalty, when the 4yr comes from the other room with scissors in one hand, held wrong but still functional to her, and tissue in the other hand, that had been attacked by the scissors. She climbs up into my lap and says, "We can cut the tissue and make a crown!" I said, "Yes, we can, but we are not going to" then I get, "We can use tape and staples, too." She did not miss a beat with that one and off she went. Life is never boring with her around, and there is always this smile from her, like how can you resist this smile.

Anyways, they had a pine wood race at church yesterday for their Wednesday night church group. My dad cut out the cars for them, and assembled them. The girls colored them with markers and I added the weight to them to finish them off. So we all head to the church gym yesterday afternoon. My parents and younger sister went because I had to leave before it was going to be over. I was there long enough to see the youngest age group race. She took first place out of seven cars in her age group. There were 31 cars all together. They did not hand out awards in the different age groups, just overall. The 4yr was kind of excited she really did not know what happen. To back up a minute we had to have the, "We are here to have fun" chat in the car on the way to church. Which was not going well, the 6yr had set in her mind that she was going to win and she was getting a trophy. Now, the 6yr category is racing and I saw her first heat, her car won. Life is good so far I have to leave now. On my way I am thinking life is not going to be good if the 4yr gets trophies and the 6yr does not get one. The 4yr is going to go, "I got a trophy" to her sister, and that will set a fuse or two off. Well, when I finally catch up with them when it is all over, the 6yr got 2nd place in her age division. There were 3 divisions, and the top three in each division went against each other for the top 9 places. Here is where things got harry. The 4yr came in 3rd overall, we get a big trophy for that, the 6yr came in 5th and gets a ribbon. All participants got a participation trophy. Yes, tears were shed, and about 5 more years of that competition to go through. Someday, the only here to have fun will set in I hope. In the end they did have fun, and I am glad their cars did well.

Feeling better finally

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I finally ate solid food again last night. I have not been able to eat that much up til then. I finally woke up this morning without a tension like headache which is a good sign. I am on my last day of meds today which is an even better sign. I have to take a snack with one of the meds of life is ugly for awhile, and a few crackers does not cut it. A snack is a peanut butter sandwhich or a half of sleeve of crackers. Great choices when you do not feel like eating at all. I do not have that big of a cough as lots of others do which is good, and I do not think the kids got what I had which is even better. So here is hoping for a good weekend with the kids. They have a church activity on sunday night with their wed. night kids program, and are looking forward to it. Hope everyone gets well, quickly, my doctor told me that what I had, makes you feel like you have the worse cold you ever have had in your life. It is not bad if it has been caught in the first 48hours. I caught mine in the first 24 hrs, and the next 24 hours weren't that special either. But, life is getting back to normal now, finally.

Bellybutton Issue!

Last Saturday, I had the sprouts for my weekend, and they were eating breakfast when I went to the bedroom to get dressed. All of the sudden there is a knock on the door and the oldest is telling me that her sister has pulled her bellybutton out. Now, I am a little mad only because I have things I need to get done today and they have been stalling all morning long. I ask is she bleeding, because I can hear no crying going on at this point, "No". Is your breakfast gone? "NO" Go eat your breakfast and I will deal with it in a few minutes, "But Mom!" No, go eat your breakfast. Finally, I go out to the kitchen and there is the 4yr with this evil grin on her face smiling at me and saying "Good Morning, Mom". You have to understand, my mom says that the 4yr came into this world with her halo slightly tilted about 1 degree. She does have the beat of her own drum. So, I ask her, "Did you pull your bellybutton out?" She proudly displays her belly to me and says "YEEES". Sure enough it is sticking out, and now she wants me to put it back in for her. I asked why she did it? "Because it was bothering me!" I have no response to that. She went a couple of days with it out, and I am not sure if it went back in by itself or her dad helped it after I told him not to bother with it, not an argument I am going to get in with him. So, if your belly button is full of lint and bothering you, try an outy bellybutton for awhile.

Attention Princesses!!!

This past weekend when I was feeling just fine, my mom and I took the sprouts to get new spring boots for them. You know the kind you can wear in the mud and hose off afterwards. Since it has been such a "great winter" NOT, they like to play outside if they can whether the ground is soft or not. So, after we try on our fashionable boots and walk up and down the entire length of the shoe isle to make sure these are the ones we really want, we head to other parts of the store to add to our bill. My outspoken 4yr has by now apparently eaten something that has given her extra air in her system. Thanks to the genes from her father she has no problem releasing the that air ANYWHERE, and announcing she has done so, as well. She while walking through the store, I hear out of the 4yr "MOM, DO PRINCESSES TOOT?" After trying not to laugh in front of her, I calmly say, probably if she has eaten what ever you have, she probably does. Now, I am in a debate with my 4yr and losing over whether princesses toot. Any princesses out there they can clear things up, please feel free to respond back. Reasoning with a 4yr is not easy when trying not to laugh at their responses at the same time.

The Crud Bug!

Well, it looks like most everyone has been getting over the nice little bug that has been going around, me included. This is the first I have felt like being out of bed in a few days. Mine came on all of the sudden Sunday night. I went to the doctor Monday morning, use to be I would wait it out, but with being a single mom with two kids now, I do not wait it out anymore, and it sounds like that was a good idea, because my doctor said that if it is caught in the first 48 hours it is not as bad. He did say that it would feel like the worse cold you have ever had in your live. True so far. My body feels like I have been taken outback to the woodshed and had the crap beat out of me. The doctors office said does it feel like you have been hit and left for roadkill? That too. So far the girls do no have it, which is good. I had to cancel my counseling appointment on Monday, which I was looking forward to but good thing I bailed on it, things were not coming up roses by the time the appointment got here, if you know what I mean. I called my mom to she if she could come over and help me with the girls that evening, which she did, it is a half hour drive for her. I was feeling better after she got here. I actually took in substance and kept it in that night so life was getting better. Tylenol is my friend right now for my body aches, not liking the snack I have to take before the medicine can be taken. To time consuming for me, and my throat does not like it either. I am slowly getting away from the clear liquid diet that seems to be working with this crud. My two favorite diets, the sickness diet and the divorce diet, both work well, but I do not recommend either one of them. Well off to work, I have a couple of post to put up maybe later today or tonight. A preview, "Do Princesses Toot" inquiring 4yr wants to know that, and "Mom, Sissy pulled her bellybutton out" Yep, the 4yr has an outty now, who would have guessed it.

All is quiet on the Home Front!

I finally have time to post today! The last week has just been a whirlwind, seems like. Last week at work, an email announces the visit of a customer for this week. Great, now I have to clean my office, which looks like a tornando has been through it, since I am a one woman show. But not to panic I can get it done by the time they get here. So, friday night I work over a bit and get a little bit done.

The weekend was filled with much needed catch up at home and at my parents house, but first I had to bowl in the local city tournament on saturday morning, so that cut into most of my day. I bowled terribly and after 6 games in a row, my hand and middle finger tip were ready to fall off. I called the girls saturday night, of course they were at his mom house for the weekend, because their dad had to go spend time with his step-son and his wife. So I had to talk to the former mother-in-law which is more annoying now than it was before. My 6yr now realizes that dad does not take them everywhere that he goes, but mom does take them everywhere she goes. I just kind of blew that off, but reality is she is right.

I went to church sunday morning, was a very good service, another 2x4 moment from god. He always knows when to send a message to you, and at just the right time. I cleaned my parents house after church, my mom cannot do it anymore, she was in a car accident when I was like 1 or 2 and has only a partial knew cap so she cannot bend down to do alot of things, and she shattered her elbow a couple of years ago, so she really cannot push the vacuum very easily, so I clean for her, it goes towards paying off a loan I have with them anyways. After cleaning I head back home to bowl 3 more games in league. That was interesting since my finger was stil very tender from the 6 game the day before. Putting my finger in my ball was extremely painfull let alone bring it back and release it. I fought through the three games and crashed for the rest of the evening. I never did get my average on any of the 9 games I threw over the weekend. The former spouse calls me at 9:30pm Sunday night to ask me about the youngest ear still draining. Well, I am a little irritated now, one of the time of night to ask me about it, and 2 from the sounds of it, it was like that all weekend and I am just now finding out because he was gone all weekend and his mom did not call him, because they all have communication issues. We had a nice conversation, I was not mean or anything, I told him it was like that when she went to the doctor the weeke before, and what I did to clean it out and that it was not draining by the time they had to go to his house. Well he had some of the stuff, but no cotton balls, and apparently had no idea how to substitute for them. Being in the medical field that he is, I would have thought a gauge pad would work, but I was not going to go there. He was ok with the conversation, and we even talked about some up coming date switching for the girls.

I stopped by his work monday morning on my way to work to talk to him more about the sprouts ear. Again it was a pleasant encounter. I called him later because I found out that the girls did not have either their gloves or hats with them, one had one part and the other had the other part. Of course I get the we were running late this morning and did not have time to get everything it is probably at the house, will get it to you tomorrow when he has them for his week night. I was ok with that, not putting up an argument over it, it is not worth it anymore.

Tuesday, after going back and forth from work and school duty to drop off and pick up from kindergarten, I rush around to finish up stuff, because hey I still have to clean my office for tomorrows visit. At 3:30pm I ask the VP what time the visitors will be here and he says around 10:30 or so. Great plenty of time for me to also come in early and finish up what I do not get done in the last hour and a half. He asks me if the lab which is just outside of my office is cleaned up. I look at him with the deer in the headlights look, like I can't believe he just asked me that because he knows that guy is never in there, the only time he is, is to make it more cluttered. I tell him, nope he has not been up there all day, the VP got right up from his chair and went to the guys boss, and within 5 minutes there were 5 people in the lab only one was a girl. I kid you not it took all 5, 1 1/2 hours to clean that room. I started in on my office was in no big hurry, just worked my way around to the other side. After work I had to bowl again for another league, interesting night with my finger, but alot better. My finger is doing better now as well, and I do not have to bowl until Tuesday again so I should be good to go now.

Wed. morning I came into work and finished cleaning my office, which I am glad it was driving me crazy, now I feel like a civilized worker. Maybe I will actually get work done now. People come in and wonder were the engineering department went the office is so clean. All that work and they did not even tour the lab area. After work I took the girls to church, while they are at the kids program I put in the music for sundays service into the computer. I happen to get done in time this week to go done and see the awards handed out for this week, and my oldest got the most points for the month for her age group. She was so excited, and had a big smile on her face. Made my week.

Yesterday was just as hectic, I was in and out of work all day, doing school duty, then the girls had appointments at 1pm then back to work, after work we headed to my grandmas because I had a divorce class to go to, and my moms plans changed at the last minute so I am scrambling to get the girls taken care of. Finally the weekend is here and I have nothing planned. What will I do?

A futile attempt at a poem!!

It has been awhile since I posted. After making it through the day yesterday and being bored today at work. Actually I have lots to do, I just do not feel like doing it anymore. Burnout has set it. Being swamped all the time with no help for the little tasks, my office is a paper diaster and a half and I hate it. I am normally an organized person, and with no time to keep organized here is just driving me nuts. I no longer have a desire to do my job anymore. I dredge through the day and get what needs to be done and that is it. I have no more to give. Unfortunately I hate the way the office is now, so I still work to get extra stuff done, but just seems stuff comes in faster than goes out. Anyways, in my non-working mood I wrote down some random thought and kind of turned it into something...lol.

I have not titled it. Maybe you can suggest a title. A side not check out the phrase of the first letter of each line. That was not a coincendance.

Giving all you have to give

Opening up your heart, only to be

Disappointed. Realizing, it is over

Surrendering all

Looking towards the sky

Often wondering if you are heard

Verification received

Exult in his devotion to you

Can You Believe This!!

It has been awhile since I have posted. I have somewhat cooled off from the email wars I had had with my former spouse's spouse. Life has been moving along, I hope it picks up the pace soon though. I have been attending a weekly divorce class, that has been very good so far. I have my taxes done. Now I can start planning ahead for this year.

After having a few choice emails go out to the significant other of my former spouse a few weeks ago, I decided today to send her an email. My motives were nice and simple. I choose to send her the email instead of my former spouse, because one I knew it would get read today in a timely manner, and two it was kind of time sensitive anyways. I sent her the bible versus the kids need to say tomorrow night at their church program. The kids have swim lessons tonight and he is taking them because it is his week night to have the kids. The kids get bored waiting for the other to get done with their lessons, so I thought this could be something they could do while waiting. I asked the kids today if they would mind me doing that, and they didn't mind. I got a nice email back from her saying "thanks" and that was a good idea for the kids....duh. Sorry still have a little anger and bitterness left in me....but it is getting better. Small steps are better than not steps I guess.

A 2 x 4 up side the head moment from God!! The verse for one of the kids, the youngest who is 4yr, is 1 John 3:11 ....we should love one another. Think there is a message there for me?

We will just have to wait and see how things go later on. Right now I still have no desire to talk to him or her for that matter if at all possible, but nothing is ever for certain in this world.

Meaningless Thoughts!!!

A quick funny story, my 4yr, myself and my parents were all in the office and my dad was playing around with the 4yr who was in a mood, and apparently had enough fun. She turns to my mom and says "Grandma your husband is being mean to me!!" I thought I was going to fall off the chair laughing, because it was no longer "Papa" he was grandmas husband.

I am trying a different aspect of things, why not, it is a new year, try new things. So, I am trying to let go more. Not an easy thing to do, but practice makes perfect I guess. Even though I try not to personally communicate with the former spouse, I rather email or page him if at all possible, letting the little things go is getting easier. I have realized most of the battles are not worth my time to fight them. Nothing is going to be accomplished after the dust settles anyways.

Our sermon on Sunday at church was interesting, instead of dwelling on the negative and what all is bothering you all the time, try stopping and thinking about what you have to be thankful for. When you stop and think about it, things to be thankful for usually out way the list that is bothering you.

The bright spot in all my days is seeing the great big smiles on the kids faces, when they have just stated their case to some kind of negotiation for something. Hard to beat a big smile!!

Wish I Knew What the Lesson Is?

Why is it that when you think things are just beginning to look up and going your way, something happens and now you have to take what feels like 100 steps backwards. With my reserve finances just about depleted, I have been scrapping by for sometime now. I have stopped everything I can possibly stop and drop. I thought I had a good chance at making my big February payments coming up with no help (House and Car), but nope my car has to die on me at lunch time today. It needs a fuel pump, which I have no choice but to have it done. The kids need to get to school I need to get to work, no public transportation in this town. So on Monday that will get fixed and hopefully life will be back to normal with me trying to figure out how to make up that money and try to get ahead again.

I am going to try to sell my stain glass pieces but I have to get them made which is time consuming at that.

Life would not be so entertaining if we knew the lessons ahead of time I guess.

An Interesting Lunch!?!

After spending the first part of my lunch taxiing one of the kids around after school, I went home and for the rest of lunch. As I was getting ready to leave a delivery truck pulls up and blocks my driveway. At first I think it is going to back up for the neighbor because he runs a construction business from his house. Then I discover that it is my address he is suppose to be at. As he is walking up my drive way I yell out the front door at him to see if he is here for my former spouses business. (Mind you my former spouse has his own side business and has not been at this address for over a year and a half.) He says yes, he is suppose to pick something up at this address, because that is the address on his printed out paperwork. I just simply inform him that the business has not been here for quite sometime, you will have to call him to get directions to where you need to be. He said that is ok, my former spouse can take care of it with the guys at the shop. Good enough for me.

Maybe I should have called him and told him what happen, but I look at it this way, if it was for something else that had the wrong address, I would not call either. Granted this may have been a slightly different situation, and it probably was an error with the delivery company, because he was picking up something that the company delivered sometime, just not to my house.

A Double Standard???

Why is it ok for the kids dad to forget something, but if I forgot the same thing I would be "branded" a bad mom by his standards. Trying to be nice in the whole situation is very tough. I am glad God has patience with me, that is for sure.

The kids spent Sunday night with their dad so he dropped them off at school. I picked them up from school and neither one had a hat on. I asked each of them were their hat was, because they go to 2 different schools right now, and they both said that dad has them, he did not give them to us. Fine I let it slide, it was a rather nice day even though the youngest is fighting a runny nose and cough right now. I did not pursue it any further. They were going back to their dads that night anyways. So, the next morning I have to pick them up at day care and drop them off at school because he was scheduled to work that day. When I pick them up, again no hats or gloves that they had with them also, and it is now snowing, blowing, and cold out. Both say that they did not give the hats to them. Granted the kids should know to put a hat on, but what kid likes a hat. Now after I drop them off at school I leave a message for the former spouse asking him where the kids hats are because I cannot seem to find them. He eventually leaves me a message saying that his wife brought the kids into town today, and she forget to get the hats they were sitting in a basket by the door. (Side note, he complains to me about the miles he has to drive to make an extra trip into town if I ask him to watch the kids for me, he works about 5 blocks from daycare, and they both drove into town that morning, she does not work in town she works in the other direction) He has got ahold of his wife and IF she comes into town today she will drop the hats off at daycare, or if he remembers he will bring them in tomorrow, otherwise I will get them back after they spend Thursday night at his house.

I realize most kids have more than one hat, mine do not normally have more than one hat around, I usually recycle them when they get a new one. Luckily I had the hats ready to go but had not taken them yet, so I was able to come up with hats for them for these 2 days. Now he is going to have 2 sets of hats to take care of. What do you think the odds are going to be that I get both back. If I did not send the kids properly dressed they would note it, so they can show that I do not take care of them, or I would have been expected to meet him somewhere to get him the hats. But, to him it was like oh well, it happens.

Good thing the kids have not been going outside for recess for some reason, because if they do not have hats and gloves they can not go out.

I will have to admit, that I have not pursued the issue hardly at all. I have just let it go and moved on, as hard as that has been to do.

Stainglass Fan Lamp

Here is a couple of pictures of a fan lamp that I made this weekend. I do not normally use that kind of base for them, I like the oak ones. Do to a time constraint this is all I had to work with, my bases that were on order arrived today. My dad and I are going to make our own bases, that will cut down on the costs, when I start selling them. The base used here is a die cast antique brass looking one. It is ok, but I do not have a lot of room to work with if the glass does not fit into it.

I like this pattern I have done it a couple of different times. This is the second time I have done the ribbons with so many different colors. I have also done it with just two different colors as well. Both looked good.

Is it just me?!!

It has been an interesting weekend to say the least. I had the kids Friday night and Saturday morning because he was not getting back into town unto late Friday night. He and his wife went to Vegas....He doesn't think I know where he went...I have a 6yr I know where he went. Anyways I asked him when he was going to pick them up on Saturday when he asked me if I could watch them for him. He said "OH, 10am." That was fine with me, of course I am always being accused of not letting him see the kids more, but that is a different story right now. So after he shows up late on Saturday morning, of which I did not say anything about the time because that would be a waste of my time and I would have to listen to some bogus excuse anyways I opted not to bring it up, I gave him a few instructions/directions/information about the kids.

One was to give the youngest a certain kind of medicine to dry up her nose, she will stop coughing if you dry up her nose. He agreed that does the trick and has done that before....Fine. There are papers for him in one of the suit cases. The oldest has a small book in her backpack that she needs to read and turn in on Monday so she can get the next book and move on with her reading skills. This book is not long and will not take very long for her to read it to you. She does need to read it word for word in order to pass it and go on to the next book. "OK" he says.

So, I pick the girls up from school today, and the oldest still has her book with her. "Why didn't you get the next book today?" I ask. "Because I didn't get to practice this one!" she says. Now I am a little mad. I called and talked to the kids on Sunday afternoon and asked if she had read it and she said no, but at least it is in her mind now to do that. Apparently there was no time for him to sit with her and read about 6 pages that had about 4 words on each page. I just do not get it.

Everytime we get into a discussion, I usually end up with something from his wife telling me what a great dad he is and that they have family time and this and that. Of course I do not believe anything she says now, and have not believed much that he has said long before I divorced him. It was a little book how hard is it to sit down with your daughter and go over it. She just started these when he was in Vegas, you would think he would have a little interest in her. May be it is just me, maybe I am looking about this all wrong. I know I can not make him a great father, and that is probably part of the issue here.

A better week?!?

I will have to admit this week has been some what better than last week. It probably has to do with the fact that I know my former spouse is out of the state, so I do not have to wonder if he is going to call and say that he is going to pick up from school today because he is in town and has time on his hands, so why not spend it with his kids (rarely happens anyways).

My badly cut(more like deeply punctured) finger is coming along pretty well now. I can at least stretch out my fingers with out it bleeding again. A stitch or two might have helped, but the scar will do for now. The true test will be Sunday when I bowl for the first time since it happened. Cutting things with a knife is still quite a challenge and painful, which means cutting glass is also a problem. This is not good because I have a few projects that need to get done and am almost at deadline now. Should be an interesting weekend, and probably a slightly painful one there as well.

It has been fun with the kids this week, my 6yr reads me a book from school everyday. She has to read it perfectly before she can take it back and then she has to read it to her teacher as well, or it comes back home to work on it some more. She is so excited about reading now.

They both are looking forward to being able to paint tonight. Not my favorite past time for them, but they enjoy it. Now, it is not so bad, not as messy as before.

Whose World is this?

After the kids weekly program at the church on Wednesday night, we were driving home after a brief stop at my parents house, and my 4yr says "This is God's world isn't it?" I reply back "yes, this is God's world!" She says "God owns everything doesn't he?" "Yes, he owns everything!" was my reply back. Now she is talking on about how this is god world, and the he owns this and that, and this, and that, as she is naming off everything she can see at the time. Then I hear, "Yep this is God's world, not Wayne's World, God's world!"

I am not sure where the Wayne's World came from, but it was hard not to laugh at her sitting in the back saying it was not Wayne's World.

High Road closed for construction?!?

Well, it has been a long tiring weekend for me. I left right after work and took the kids up to my sisters to celebrate the 4yr olds birthday with my family. My niece is just 6 months younger than my 4yr so they are almost like sisters as well, except more possessive of their prized possessions....lol. Anyways it was nice to get away from all the crap I put up with from the ex, actually from his wife because he had absolutely nothing to say to me about anything that went on. He had no comment on the lack of communication that he displayed in changing things around because that is what she wanted to do, and he had no comment on anything that she told me afterwards in lovely emails that she sent me. I really did not even want to get on the computer for awhile, which if you know me is a major issue, I am always on the computer and online.

After going with my sister to pick up the birthday cake and lunch, and just getting out for a bit was a nice change of pace. Could be that is was because there was snow on the ground as well, although not enough to go sledding which we usually do for this birthday party. After lunch the presents finally got opened, and an excited 4yr was so happy to get all the stuff she wanted for her Dora Talking House, and mom opened up all the stuff for the kids to play with, they had a blast, I took the house up with me so they could all have fun. My niece was not happy that the house and stuff were not staying there when we left though. So we are all on a mission to get everything for her 4th birthday this summer. Was not an easy task a few weeks ago, but we do not have the time crunch that we had a few weeks ago either.

I finally ask my sister if I could get online to check my email, she has slow dial up as well, so I had to wait to get everything downloaded, so my nerves were not the greatest by then. It was a relieve to just see emails from my friends and not from the ex or his wife. I sent a quick Thank You to someone for chatting with me on Thursday after all the stuff had gone down and it was nice getting a response back. Sometimes I think I am on the wrong track, and it is nice to know that I am not the one on the wrong set of tracks.

If I did not have to run the computer at church on Sunday I do not think I would have gone, which is sad, because I hardly ever miss for a lame excuse like that. And all this still bugs me, people could tell something was up on Sunday at church, but things will get better. I hope they start getting better soon, I am getting tired of the tension headache I have had all weekend and still have today.

This week may be a busy one for me, I have the kids all week because he is out of town on "vacation" so I should not have to worry about him this week. I have to give up a few of my stuff because I have the kids but that is fine with me, we will have a great week this week.

I know I have not forgiven him for much that he has done, and frankly I am not interested in working on that anytime soon. I was hoping to be able to work on it now, but I am going to focus my attention else where for awhile. Believe it or not I have to work on forgiving my younger sister for being stupid, and I am going to work on that right now instead. Someday I will get back to forgiving the ex, so I can fully move on with my life.

Pot Holes on the High Road!!!

This morning I received a nice email from the former spouses wife saying that she would be glad to take care of the girls for me for a few hours on the 2 days I had asked for. She said that she knew that must have been a hard thing to do, and that God is probably happy I did it know, (Not commenting on that) and that she has never intended to be mean or a -----(rhythm's with itch). I sent a nice email back to her, letting her take the girls out to dinner afterwards, and that I never said she was mean or the other, and left it at that.

An hour later I take the sprout to the doctor to see how far we are off the chart at 4yrs of age we are. Still off the chart, height at 4yrs 43" can you say sports scholarship...lol. I will not push for that, I had one and gave it up after I got to college, I have my degree and no regrets for doing it. Anyways I am chatting with the billing person and checking on the kids accounts which I am technically not responsible for, in that they are not in my name, but I have to pay so much before ex's has to. The lady tells me that she got a call from his wife saying that they need to bill me for everything. Now my blood pressure is rising quickly and I am not a happy camper anymore. After the appointment I go back to work and fire off a no holds bar email to the ex knowing that he should see it today because he is working and that seems to be the only time he sees his email....he does not work everyday he has a rotating shift. After lunch I have an email from the wife and she is not pleasant this time. Of course being the almost computer hacker that I can be I notice that she is replying to an email that he has sent to her, most likely my colorful one. After she goes on about how I need to get my life in order, and how can I afford to do things when I do not pay my bills until I feel like it. If I cannot take care of the kids then why don't I just give them to him to take care of....blah blah blah. I am really not a happy camper now, with lots more emotion to go with it.

All my bills are paid, even the ones that they held for 6 months and then sprung the $200+ bills on me at once with no explanation to them, I paid them off in 2 months. I have no problems taking care of the kids, I get them to and from school everyday, with breakfast on top of that. They have a roof over their head and food and beverages in the fridge on top of that. They each have their own bed to sleep in and plenty of clothes to choose from for the day. They even have shoes and snow boots just in case for some odd reason we might get snow in January this year. So, after talking to a few people, my younger sister who is divorced twice, and I really do not like talking to her at all...(long story), my mom since my sister was kind enough to call and tell her I was not in a good mood, and my counselor, who I will have to admit is right all the time....(I hate when she is right by the way....LOL)I decide to call the former spouse and chat with him at his work. After discussing a few things then asking about the bill issue I get "I thought I told you that?" I have a memory like a steal trap, not much gets past it. If I knew that do you think I would have fired off a colorful email telling to grow a pair of somethings and take responsibility for stuff. It was a nice conversation, not heated at all, lots of long pauses from him, but that is for him to deal with. I did end by telling him that he needs to own up to his stuff and make things right.....I am not holding my breath on that either. I did not respond back to her email, and right now do not plan on it, but you never know what mood I will be in later...lol.

Good thing I am going to be listening to the last 2 weeks of sermons from the church tonight to put on the website. I need some faith tonight and some aspirin for my small headache that can explode into a big headache if it wanted to.

I took the high road, and now that there are pot holes do I still continue, or take back the offer for her to watch the girls, which she mentioned that she would still do it since she already committed to it. Do I wait until the road is fixed, or just find a new route. Working on forgiveness today just does not seem very important anymore, but I know it is still necessary in order for me to move on.

An Olive Branch

I gave in today and offered an olive branch. I emailed my former spouses wife, who is one of the reasons for my divorce, and asked her if she would be willing to watch the kids on a couple of different days for me. He will be on duty those days, and I already have a commitment on those days, but can break my commitment if need be. It was the hardest thing I think I have ever had to do. Mostly I think because I have not forgiven him for all that he has done. I am working on it, but that just is not an easy thing to do for some reason. Guess now I wait and see what kind of a response I get back or if I even get a response back at all. Patience is not one of my better virtues.

A Happy 4 year old!

Today is the big day, my youngest FINALLY is 4. She could hardly wait til she turned 4 for some reason. This morning she got to open up gifts from her sister and I, because they are going to be at their dads tonight. She was excited about all the stuff she got. I love her smile. She got stuff for her Dora talking doll house that she got from Santa, but apparently santa didn't realize it had accesories that went with it. She was excited about the stuff, but says I need the rest of the stuff and listed all the accesories off that she needs. The hardest part for me is not telling her that she is getting all of it for her birthday, at her party this weekend. I managed to find all of the stuff and then some this weekend during a 3 hour shopping spress to about 6 different stores on Saturday, and one purchase from ebay for the discontinued item. It will be so much fun when she gets all of it, I cannot wait...lol. I tried to get her name on the radio birthday list for this morning, but apparently technology let me down, and she did not hear her name this morning which now I have a pissed 4yr and 6yr, so I had to call the radio station and get them to put it on, of which they put the whole conversation on the air, now I am pissed.....lol. Oh well, the kids were happy after that, and that is what counts to me right now.

Tag I am it

I finally have the "privilege" of responding to a tag by one4jc....Now that I can get back online finally...

So here it goes...

Five snacks I enjoy:

1. Reese Peanut Butter Cups

2. Pocorn

3. Any Kind of Chips

4. Pretzels

5. Eddy's Ice Cream Dips

Five songs to which I know all the words:

1. None that I can think of

2. I love to listen to music

3. but do not sing to it that much

4. (Trying to spare the world from that disaster.....lol)

5. I am terrible at the who sings this song game....

Five things I would do if I were a millionaire:

1. Pay off all my debts

2. College fund for the kids

3. Buy a new house

4. Invest some of it

5. Go to work and not do anything, for I would not care anymore, not that it is different now, except I do not have the money now.

Five Bad Habits:

1. Not Filing papers at work

2. Procrastination

3. On the computer to much instead of other things that need to be done

4. Not folding clothes

5. Tossing recycle stuff in the trash instead of the recycle bin

Five things I like doing:

1. Dinner time with my kids

2. Playing on the computer

3. Bowling

4. Playing Golf

5. Making Stainglass Pieces

Five things I would never buy, wear or get new again:

1. Anything that has to do with fire stations (toy fire trucks, firefighter figurines...etc...)

2. Mickey Mouse Motif Moo Moo...(Don't Ask.....LOL)

3. Spandex

4. Cigarettes or cigars

5. Cows or Horses

Five Favorite toys:

1. Computer

2. Palm Pilot

3. Dora the Talking house...(The kids got it for christmas and I sit and play with them)

4. Gameboy Games

5. Puzzles

And the challenge passes to ......No one all the ones I know have already done it...SORRY....I live a sheltered life...LOL

Stepping out of my comfort zone

After work last night I decided to go work out. I did not have the kids, their dad had them and was going to take them to their swim lessons last night, which is where I was going to work out as well. I stopped in to watch the youngest swim for a bit then I went and workout, by myself. I hate working out by myself. It is just about the most uncomfortable feeling for me, but I put my mind to it, and went ahead and did the work out. After I was done I was glad I did finally go, and have plans to go again soon by myself. I do not like going when I have the kids. I hate putting them in the child watch when they have been in daycare all day. So, I just try to go when I do not have them, which is not often, but often enough. Afterwards, I went home to get some stuff done around the house, but was just to tired to do any of it. I hate not having the kids around still, I cannot get into any kind of mode to do anything. I just waste the evening away, and struggle in the morning to get up and around for the day. I am up around 5am or so when I have the kids. Just another thing to work through in time. Have to take one step at a time to get through this world these days.

Born to eat pickles!!

As I was taking the kids to their church function Wednesday night, they were sitting in the back of the car eating their happy meals. The youngest after have gone through half of her cheesburger discovers that it has ketchup on it. HEY! I didn't want ketchup on my cheesburger, (which is the way it comes all the time for her). So needless to say mom finished the other half of the sandwich and she was happy with the fries. So now the two of them are chatting back and forth to each other and the oldest says I have pickles on mine, and the youngest says I do not like pickles. The oldest says I was born to eat pickles, that is why I like them. You were not born to eat pickles, but I was born to eat pickles. I like pickles, but I did not know I was born to eat them....lol.

Reflections from the season of giving 2005

As I was driving home tonight from spending the holiday weekend at my parents, and the kids asleep in the back of the car, I realized the true meaning of the season of giving (Christmas). For I received a lot of that giving this year, not that I really wanted to experience it, but looking back I am glad I have the family that I do have. Many years ago when my younger sister got divorced with a child much younger than mine now, my other sister and I bought some gifts and had one of her friends deliver them to her so my niece would have a nice Christmas that year. We all remember waking up to a nice Christmas every year at our house, and wanted to make sure that she had that as well at the time. A few years ago I got a nice bonus check, so I bought some stuff for the daycare and delivered them on Christmas eve to her, she was a single mom at the time struggling along to make ends meet with her daycare to support her. Well this year was my second year of Christmas as a single mom, almost 14 months since my divorce was final, and what a year it has been. It has been a struggle at times for me, but the kids always had clothes on their backs, and a roof over their head, and warm food in their bellies everyday. We were able to take a vacation this summer, it may have only been to the family cabin on the lake, but it still was a get away for awhile. Then Christmas comes along, and I have know idea what I am going to get them for Christmas, let alone figure out how I am going to be able to pay for it this year. I really did not want to use my credit card, it was already high enough from having my car worked on numerous times this year. Last year I got a Christmas bonus from work so that helped me through, but this year no bonus. My dad owns his own electrical company now, and my younger sister is practically his only employee, until she tore up her knee then a friend of hers and my dads helped him out for awhile until she got back on her feet. Well they had a Christmas party and mom invited me to go along, I think because she didn't want me staying home by myself that night. I decided to go, I think I pick up some supplies once for them anyways...:) We all had a nice time, I knew that dad was giving out bonus checks to my sister and the other helper, and my niece even got one, and I was ok with that, because I really was just along for the ride and a nice dinner at the restaurant. I was telling my mom at the restaurant that I really did not want to go shopping the next day because I had no money to buy Christmas gifts for the kids, and that was the whole reason for going shopping. My younger sister was going so she could spend her bonus money, and I really did not want to go. A week before Christmas and I have nothing for the kids. I spent the night at my parents house that night which I had not planned on doing because I had a meeting early the next morning and did not bring any clothes to change into for that. In the morning I got up early to go home and change before I met with my friend for a bit, before heading back up past my parents house to go shopping, nothing like a cross country adventure planned for the day. Well my mom wanted to ride with me while I met with my friend which was fine, and on the way down she hands me check and tells me that I need to stop at the bank before going shopping to cash it. The hardest thing I ever had to do was take that check! She says she and dad had been talking about giving me and my sister who got the bonus money this year because we are just a single income family. Whether that is true or not I do not know, my younger sister lives off of my parents anyways as much as she can, but that is a whole different story and probably a whole different blog of its own....:) So, the kids had a nice Christmas at my house. On New Years weekend my family had our Christmas that weekend. We draw names for stocking stuffers for the adults, and everyone pitches something in for the kids socks. This year we did not buy gifts for the adults, we donated all the money to charity instead, and just bought for the kids. Well my brother-in-law drew my name for stocking stuffers, and I got two gift cards in it, one was to a department store in my area that has everything in it, like Wal-mart but it was not for Wally world, and another one from a clothing store that I like but don't go there a lot, only when I need something nice at the last second to wear for some occation coming up. I had no idea how much they are for, but later found out that one of them is probably worth 3 digits. I was not expecting that answer at all, but apparently he got a nice size bonus check and that is what he wanted to do with it. This from a guy who is going to be a dad again this summer and remodeling to do before the big event. My heart was truly touched this year. I have given lots of years, and I guess, I just never thought I would ever be on the receiving end.